EIKILFM - Special Diva Edition

This past weekend, I performed with the Boston Gay Men's Chorus, as I do every June as part of Boston's Pride celebrations. Usually, I take part in the dance numbers, and this year was no exception. But I was also approached by the Chorus's artistic director to contribute some material. The focus of the concert was divas, and there was a section devoted to divas of the stage. The idea was that I would be on stage blogging, providing introductions to the various sections of the stage diva segment. Last night, our concert coincided with the Tony Awards telecast, so I added a quick update on the awards that had been announced at that point.

For those of you who couldn't make the concert, here's the stage patter I devised for the segments. I was told to be as bitchy as possible, so this might be slightly more vicious than I would normally be on this blog. Slightly. I've also included the songs that each speech was meant to introduce, as well as commentary as to whether I really believed the bitchery behind the lines or whether I was just going for a laugh or an effect. Enjoy.

Divas of the Stage

Concert patter

[INTRO]: Dear Reader: Welcome to Everything I Know I Learned From Musicals, Special Diva Edition. When I started writing this blog, my intention was to focus on the musicals themselves. Well, little did I know that my readers would take such prurient interest in the private lives of their favorite female stars of the stage. You people are petty and superficial. Fortunately, so am I. So, ask and you shall receive... [This is a fictive construct I devised purely for the concert. My readers are anything but petty, and I rarely traffic in gossip. Here I was solely trying to set up the rest of the set.]

[SONG: "There's No Business Like Show Business," Annie Get Your Gun]

[ETHEL MERMAN]: Rumors have been swirling around for years that Ethel Merman was actually a great big lesbian. But apparently, that was just a rumor started by “novelist” Jacqueline Susann. It seems that Jackie cooked up a story about rebuffing Ethel’s amorous advances. When in fact, quite the opposite was true. Dream on, Jackie. In other news, Ethel was also very close friends with J. Edgar Hoover. Probably because they wore the same dress size. [While reading Ethel's autobiography and a few biographies, I was distressed to discover that my beloved Ethel was a conservative republican, and cavorted with the likes of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. But I did have to chuckle to discover she was so tight with Hoover,  who we now know was one of the biggest closet cases in U.S. history.]

[SONG: "Some People," Gypsy]

[PATTI LUPONE]: When Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Sunset Boulevard premiered in London, the show starred the fabulous Patti LuPone. Well, the show ran into some trouble – to say the very least – and Sir Andrew decided to replace La LuPone with Glenn Close. (Because she’s *such* a great singer...) Hey, Andy: Don’t blame Patti because you haven’t written anything decent or successful since 1986. But, as we know, Patti cried all the way to the bank. In fact she fondly recalls the lawsuit settlement every time she’s floating around in her Olympic-sized swimming pool. Only in this pool, there’s no dead writer floating face-down. Yet. [Truth be told, I actually enjoy Sunset Boulevard, but I much prefer the Patti LuPone London recording. If I never hear Glenn Close "sing" again, that would be be just fine with me.] 

[SONG: "With One Look," Sunset Boulevard]

[LIZA MINNELLI]: What do I really need to tell you about Liza Minnelli? Well, at least she’s following in her mother’s footsteps. And we all know where that got her mother. [I adore Judy Garland, and I mean no disrespect here whatsoever. The night of our first performance was Judy's birthday, and I was worried that this line would start a mini riot. There were a few minor gasps, but I emerged unscathed.] 

[SONG: "Maybe This Time," Cabaret]

[BERNADETTE PETERS]: And then there’s Bernadette Peters. A gorgeous, talented woman who didn’t get married until she was almost forty. Hmm... Now, I’m not saying she’s gay. I’m just saying that she’d probably make some lipstick lesbian a wonderful husband. There are those who say that, when she did the 2003 revival of Gypsy, she absolutely triumphed as Mama Rose. And then there are those of us without any mental handicaps. [They made me change this last line for fear of getting complaints from the PC set. The new line read, "And then there's me." Also, I have no reason to believe that Bernadette is gay. I was simply going for a laugh here.]

[SONG: "Time Heals Everything," Mack and Mabel]

[Local Boston diva LEIGH BARRETT]: Of course, in Boston we have our own distinctive divas. One glorious example would be the lovely and talented Ms. Leigh Barrett. Now, I’ve known Leigh for years, and I could certainly tell you some stories. But unfortunately I’m under a gag order from the Massachusetts court system. Suffice it to say that, after a few weeks of recuperation, the goat and the chimpanzee are just fine. And the Boys Scouts of America wound up dropping all the charges. Well, at least we have the chance to enjoy Leigh’s sheer fabulousness on stage. In fact, I hear she’s currently singing with the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus... [Lest anyone get the wrong idea, this section is entirely fictional, except for the fact that I've know Leigh for years. Well, at least it's fictional as far as I know...] 

[SONG: "Losing My Mind," Follies]